It’s OK to Grieve…
Red poppies, sunset, rainbow by M. Golder
by Elisabeth Goodman Spain
At a stone setting ceremony for a cousin earlier this year, I was standing to one side silently crying. Tears streaming down my face. A relative asked me whether I was OK, and actually, I was. It felt good to be crying, expressing my sorrow, and my pain, for my cousin’s years of suffering from cancer and all the many other hardships her family had experienced. I was also remembering some of the special moments we had shared: a beautiful handmade doll she had given me; her full-hearted laughter at some of the peculiarities of life. So, my grief was mixed with joy, and with love. Expressing all of that through my tears felt healing.
I have been greatly inspired in my studies of the times we are experiencing, and in my reflections on what might be mine to do, by the work and words of Joanna Macy. She was an environmental activist, author, scholar of Buddhism and teacher who died last year, still practising her craft, at the age of 96. This quote from her book “World as Lover, World as Self” feels particularly apt:
“This is a dark time, filled with suffering and uncertainty. Like living cells in a larger body, it is natural that we feel the trauma of our world. So don’t be afraid of the anguish you feel, or the anger or fear, because these responses arise from the depth of your caring and the truth of your interconnectedness with all beings.”
Joanna’s “work that reconnects” as it is known, teaches us to ground ourselves in what we feel grateful for. For many of us, that will be the nature around us that is still beautiful, or the friends, family, pets in our lives, or some art or craft that we practise. But Joanna’s work also teaches us to honour our pain. And the best way to do that is to express it, rather than to try to hold it within ourselves, to bury or ignore it.
I learnt early on in my training as a coach that the only thing to do with feelings of anger, grief or fear is to process them. Bottling or brooding on them doesn’t help. Writing or talking about them somehow loosens their grip on your heart and frees your mind to think more clearly again.
Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on solving our problems and our grief on our own. But, as another of my influencers, Francis Weller, has taught me, we are meant to do our grieving in community, as our ancestors, and some existing cultures and religions still do. Being able to speak our anger, grief or fear out loud to other people, who can listen without judgement, with warm acceptance, and with no attempt to ‘fix’ you, can be a beautifully healing experience.
The causes of our grief will continue to be there, and will hit us again on a regular basis, but these opportunities for empathy, and our grounding in nature and community can be there too.
It’s not only OK to grieve: it is natural and necessary to do so.
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Elisabeth is a community organiser, author and coach. She will be facilitating a new monthly Climate Café Listening Circle at the Melbourn Hub starting on Saturday 10th October. (Free) tickets are available at https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/south-cambs-north-herts-climate-cafe-listening-circle-tickets-1999392290162? You can also contact Elisabeth through sustainableshepreth@gmail.com
